It’s a new year, and tradition calls for declarations of commitment to our imagined, better selves. This year, however, I am lowering the bar.

Linden’s Realistic Resolutions for 2013:

1. I resolve to continue wasting time cruising the Internet instead of knitting hats for the homeless or spending quality time with my kid or my cat. Fainting goats are dang funny. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg

2. I resolve to take shortcuts in any and everything I can, including cooking, correspondence and exercise. Treadmill, here I don’t come.

3. I resolve to buy more things than I should. Everything on eBay is a deal, right?

4. I resolve to poke my nose into places I don’t belong. Yes, this means you. I’m watching.

5. I resolve to cheat on my diet. Especially with double dark chocolate peanut butter malt balls.

6. I resolve to continue to be cranky getting up in the dark. If humans were supposed to be awake, the sun would come up sooner. It’s a simple scientific fact.

7. I resolve to avoid writing when possible. No, this is not considered writing.

8. I especially resolve to avoid rewriting. Nasty, nasty stuff!

9. I resolve to be a human. For the whole year.