It is something that I want to do. And yet, of all the things I want to do, this I ignore. I procrastinate. I belittle its rank on the list of priorities.
I have all the time in the world right now. Time is not the issue. It’s vacuuming, because, you know, it’s been….a day since I did it last. And dust, let me tell you. There is always dust. Baking too. The flour and sugar are just calling out to be a cake or pie or bread.
When I do sit down, finally “done” with the rest of the world, I have to check Facebook and my email and Goodreads and Pinterest. Oh, and wait…I haven’t checked Facebook in, let’s see, um, eighteen minutes. Something may have happened.
This is the bitter cycle of procrastination that causes me so much regret. Regret, because another day has gone by. Regret, because I have not written. Regret (on a better day), because I have written less than I could have done.
When I really examine my behavior, my habits, the “why” of it all glares me in the face. FEAR. I’m afraid that my words are not good enough. I’m afraid, because I’m four years from grad school and I haven’t completed anything to speak of. I’m afraid that I’ll fail.
On so many days, FEAR wins.
But I will fight back. I will set daily word counts and check them off my list. On some days, I will leave the house to write. I will go where I cannot hear the taunting of my vacuum. I will go where the baked goods are fresh and the dust is not my problem.
I will tell myself each and every morning:
- Your words are good enough.
- Your education is your strength.
- Failure comes not when you use the gifts you have, but when you don’t use them.
FEAR will not win anymore.